How do you feel when you pray? do you enjoy it?
I often feel like i have not even begun to scratch the surface of what i want to pray, yet at times i get to a point where i dont even feel like wanting to continue, its like theres a broken wall in front of me and i dont understand what im seeing. Its like there is an attack against me but it seems like its actually me who’s the problem. Can you relate?
I have a fear of regret, i dont want to regret things afterwards so i often dont delve into things i want to delve in to because i dont want to turn on the faucet so to speak and delve in too deeply, its like im afraid of intimacy, im afraid that if i open up to god and others that i’ll fail and i’ll become like them, its like this subconscious program that tells me im no good so dont even try being good cos you’ll fail at it miserably.
This is a nasty program and i have to delete it somehow, i find that when i pray i often think of things i want to pray about then it becomes like a work and i feel burdened and worn out when i pray and its a constant striving feeling for a while, it seems like i have no boundary up to tell me when to stop praying and i keep going and going and i find myself in a mess afterwards feeling worn out weird and like i have gotten nowhere in my prayer time and i know god no more than i did before and feel no closer to him.
How can this be? its frustrating, beyond more than i know in my hearts conscious capactiy to tell me, it feels so burdensome to pray that i avoid it a lot of the time until recently where i have found myself wanting to pray when i wake up in the morning, i feel its because an angel has enabled me to during the night recently or something to that effect but im not sure that just seems to be how i feel for now.
When i wake up in the morning it feels often hard to get out of bed especially to pray, i find after i learnt recently to pray for gods grace in the morning before you even get out of bed that that helps and empowers me to get up and pray and do other things like get up for work or just function better in the morning and the day.
I have no understanding why i feel like this when i get up in the morning and want to pray because in my mind i actually dont understand the concept of why i get up and pray in the morning, i know its talked about in christian circles thats what we do, but i honestly dont know why i want to do it, i find no heart to heart connection that im consciously aware of and i dont feel any better afterwards until recently more so when ive started to feel gods presence in an amazing way after i pray in the morning. but that has happened before too just not so consistently and not so much at all before that ive been aware of in the way im aware of it lately and now.
Is it just me or does prayer seem like a burden to you too? i find it so hard to carry things to god for myself and especially individuals, other people in general is okay if its like a group of people or whole nations or places, but for individuals i struggle majorly, its like the tap is to tight to turn and i dont want to break it trying to turn it on, in fact its almost like the tap has no water coming through it, so its a waste of time trying to continue at times trying to turn it on more as its a waste of time trying to squeeze the prayer out and make it seem like ive done something.
I really dont relate to prayer and the way i do it, it seems like a learnt thing but at the same time i know its right, and i cant seem to find a happy medium where i am consistent in prayer day in and day out at set times or regular intervals, i just pray when i feel like it or the opportunity arises, and this i find easy, but it doesnt help in the relationship department, i find after lately praying early in the morning or after i wake up for an extended period more than 5 minutes often that i feel like im having relationship with god.
This is a new experience for me and i wonder how long it will last or if i will keep it up instead of going back to the lazy way of praying when i feel like it for my own personal needs or random peoples needs when they come up and then only half hearted prayers at times.
This failing in prayer has been a hindrance to my body and soul and spirit and after 13 years + of being a christian i have found no easy answer to this, it makes no sense to me in my mind to keep up a conversation early in the morning with someone i hardly ever hear from the way im talking to you right now and i find it boring at times and like i just dont care enough to do it for long or much depth, its repulsive to me that i have this half hearted attitude towards it as i know its imperatively important, yet here i am all these years later with a struggle to care about praying in the morning let alone set times during the day or lengthy times other than when im at work in the morning or afternoon (yes i have the opportunity to pray at work because im on my own and there is often times when no one is around)
So there you have it my prayer life is difficult, i may have knowledge and revelation on many things above my needs and appearances can be deceiving, it may seem like i got it all together maybe it doesnt, but i know this, i can pray and so can you, sometimes its hard to get out all the feelings and desire we have because we are so pent up with rage maybe or passions that are unmet from our old lives that we cant seem to enjoy sitting still for 5 or 10 minutes enjoying our company of our heavenly father because we are worried about doing more or having more and keeping up appearances that we dont have enough when really we actually have more than enough, even people in hard to reach places and hard to understand cultures that are backward in the way they think compared to us and other cultures, they have things we dont and we have things they dont, its not always a matter of getting more and squeezing more in and doing more for god and others sometimes its a matter of just being ourselves and being in gods presence.