Why am i here? I ponder this question in some way or another regularly, not always those exact words often but something more like…. What do i do?
I find that i regularly have this feeling of wanting to ‘do’ something and it frustrates me, because its a feeling without an answer, if i think of one thing, it seems that idea is to boring and not interesting enough to do, if i think of another thing its as though my mind doesnt realise there is a barrier like money or time which all can be changed at some point but there long term things, in the moment im wanting to do something now!!,
It eludes me this ‘something to do’ and i find it often debilitating to my mind to think of these things, for years now i have struggled with this problem and its getting to be quite annoying, i just want to focus on something else but i dont know what else to focus on, i think my mind and body have this connection where i get a feeling and i do it, but you cant always run off feelings and emotions, they are fleeting and dont always have whats necessary to complete a job.
It seems that my mind and body want things to happen now but they are not willing to give me an indication of how they’re going to achieve it, like i want to travel, now, but wait i need time off work i need several hundred or maybe even thousands of dollars and that doesnt just appear, and when i try think of how i can attain this, my mind breaks down and wont give me what i need to make this happen, do you experience things like this?
I know i have a mental illness that obviously is the major reason this topic of finding something to do and not being able to do it hinders me, but there comes a time when you need an answer a concrete answer that not only works but you also can apply, its one thing when you get a good idea or an answer from someone or even from within yourself, but if you cant do it, then its not much good to you, i find when having a mental illness there are a lot of answers out there that people have and some are good and helpful in the short maybe even in the long term but finding someone who actually has all the answers that are not only doable but they also work is just not apparent at the moment.
Something i battle with constantly is the presence of a number of demonic entities in my room and this is debilitating when focused on in the wrong way and can cause all sorts of catastrophic feelings, i dont know all the reasons they are there but it seems to stem from childhood issues and even some recent issues the thing is i find a result in feeling better being in my room from reading the word of god (the bible) out loud, just several chapters maybe even many chapters, it definately changes how i feel being in the room and it seems to alleviate the severity of these demonic presences, but they still persist and this frustrates me majorly, its like being locked up in a prison in my room and i cant get out and live even though i do venture out and go into town and work, but it feels like im trapped there and i cant move on with my life until im freed from this prison in my mind that is my bedroom and be free of these demonic entities, it feels so angering, i just want to punch someone and kill someone for what ‘they’ have done to me, but there is no person i can think of like that, its like the battle is an invisible battle against either myself, or someone that is unapparent to my mind and mentality.
It seems more its against myself and i find this hateful and angering because its like im battling with my own conscience and love and telling me “why dont you get it? get over this stuff, let go and stop being evil and resisting god and doing what you’re meant to be doing in life.” i hate myself because of it and i know im meant to love myself and i do at the same time, but this part of my heart and soul that resist love and rebels against what is right and good and loving is deplorable and i hate it and want it to stop being like that, there is no reason it should be like this as far as i know im okay, im loved and cared for im older and have more ability to care for my self and i know more about what to do in life than i did when i was a child ive spoken forgiveness for my parents and others that have hurt me, i dont want to hate them but love them.
Yet here i am still finding myself locked in a prison in my mind holding on to past hurts and angers, regressing into the state of a young child in my heart acting like a spoilt brat who gets what he wants and has no responsibilities and when i try to overcome these things by doing what i know is meant to be done or in my mind should be done, i cram up, i lose hope, i doubt i cower in fear at times, i lose traction and my heart finds no rest and comfort, until the day before yesterday i found hope, i was able to find comfort in the midst of emotional turmoil and have a constant sense of that comfort being there later on in the day and the next, somewhere in my mind i found the ability and resolve to pray for my neighbour, my literal neighbour, in fact it started out as neighbourhood, and when i started praying for my neighbourhood i found comfort like i had not known before, instantly, as i was laying down to bed and starting to rest to goto sleep i was in emotional turmoil over who knows what, and i thought to pray, for some reason this night i thought to pray for my neighbourhood and when i did, instant comfort, that turmoil stopped, now i try pray for other things and people and dont ever get the same effect as i did this night, i do get realms of peace and calmness, and somewhat similar experience, but this experience was different, it was like it was a depth of love and comfort i had not encountered from prayer before in calming down my heart and soul.
The next day i prayed more while at work for my neighbour and it seemed good too, and today i have this sense in my heart that i have not had before its like i had this area of my heart and mind that was hungering for more love and comfort and its like it had been given it and i was experiencing this experience of i want more and i love what i am encountering in my heart now, and also after the first night of praying for my neighbour when i prayed for someone else i felt somewhat more love return to me from my prayer unlike i had ever experienced before for praying for someone, as though that healing had occured in my heart because of focused prayer on my nieghbour and i was now able to recieve love back somehow because of it, see the thing is in my life as a christian for the past 13 + years, i have rarely prayed for my neighbour, i could probably count on one hand maybe two hands the times i have spoken prayer for either of my neighbours who live next to me and this is abhorrent to me to think that i have lived like this, but its the truth i have not honored my neighbours in loving prayer very often and have focused on so many other things in fact my relationship with my nieghbours is very minimal i dont even know their names on one side of the fence and on the other side i have only recently found out the wifes name after over 12 years, i have often wanted to make more connection with my nieghbours but i didnt know how and i was fearful.
One thing that i must mention is i only recently noticed that coming from one neighbours side, the one i prayed for the other night, there was this energy, it was dark coming over the fence into our property and seemingly stopping in my room at me it was flat and long almost like the length of the property and i noticed it within the past several weeks and i prayed and it felt better, but i didnt keep up with thinking about it, it went out of the forefront of my mind, it seems that i was feeling this to show me to pray for my neighbour and it was there for a long time but i didnt notice it like the way i did recently but i can tell now looking back, this energy was always bothering me and i didnt know. Its funny how in retrospect you can tell when you were feeling a particular energy somewhere or on someone but in the moment you didnt know about it consciously like you do later on.
Now i know this is a long shot but i felt in regards to being fully healed and functioning normally could be one of two things im about to say, it felt at first 1: i have found the ‘last piece of the puzzle’, or 2: im getting the ‘last puzzle pieces’, it felt stronger that i had found the ‘last puzzle piece’ but i suppose time will tell. Either way im experiencing this sense in my soul today and heart like i havent before, its like ive finally done this thing that ive been wanting to do but didnt know how to do it, and that was to love my neighbour.
Its strange how a mindset that ive had because of preaching and what i read in the bible that everyone is your neighbour, that i neglected the literal understanding of what that term meant, and i forgot to think about my real literal neighbour before god in prayer. There may have been more deeper reasons, but i know those reasons are true aswell.
So do i have an answer to fix it all (my mental illness) in one go right now? no, but i found a result i was looking for in my heart and soul to experience that i havent been able to find in other ways and that is a success that i love to have, because now i have something to work with that i didnt before and i know it worked for me, and hopefully you find it can work for you too, unless you’re already doing it, which in this case you wont really have anything to change in what you do or to try something else, hopefully you’ve enjoyed my journey of sharing my heart about something that is frustrating me and you can relate to and find hope in too. Bless you and may you find peace comfort and rest in your heart and soul as you follow the truth in jesus christ, amen.