Where do i begin? how about i had a good night last night at a church function that my church and other anglican congregations put on, we had food and music and drink, i enjoyed meeting new people and it was lovely being there with everyone.
Theres just one problem, i was uncomfortable at some point being there, it was hard for me to be around such a large group of people i barely knew, in fact a lot of time lately i avoid having conversations at church after church and even at the start of the service in the morning, i have on occasion disliked having to meet new people and try and converse with them after church because i find i just dont want to talk to them, im not interested, i just dont care enough to try and make new friends, i know they are lovely and beautiful people but i cant find it in myself in this time of my life to try make an effort with people, i want to, but i cant, im stuck, badly stuck.
This is the issue, there are walls in my life and one of those walls needs to come down, the fear of being known, see in this group of people i know i can be myself with them, that can be wonderfully beautiful and peaceful, and i know its good but i find myself avoiding being who i am, i just reserve myself, im afraid that they will find who i am to be unpleasant but not only that i cant escape how i feel inwardly, my soul craves a certain type of energy to come a live and in this environment, i just dont find that energy, but i do find genuine people who love and care for me and allow me to be who i am without judgement, that is in my reservedness and when i do share i dont feel judged by them.
Anyhow i find im writing because im disengaged right now with reality, i dont find much im interested in learning, so i want to create and design but im unmotivated and lack confidence in doing that and just am not bothered with putting in the effort, which just keeps me in the same spot of indecisiveness and wondering what to do.
This angers me in general, right now at this time of morning, i just plain dont care, i think i have lost care and compassion for this to be changed, its been going on for so long now, it bores me to want to do something, i just be emotionless or seemingly emotionless that is i dont recognise im feeling something other than an uneasiness and no seemingly apparent idea to change the internal disfunction. It frustrates me on occasion but for now, im just enjoying writing, its like an emotional outlet for me to offload my depressive energy, or angst and just alleviate the internal world of disorder and confusion, its like an uncluttering of the mind, a workout for the senses, an expression of love for my heart and soul a blessing to my mind.
Its actually quite enjoyable to just “read my heart and soul and mind” and put it to paper or type it on a computer, Where do you find your rest in emotional turmoil? Do you find it easy to express how you feel? or are you an introvert when it comes to handling your soul and feelings?
For months now when i wake up in the morning i start the day with a prayer asking for grace and mercy from god, ive been doing it for months now and i believe it has changed my experience of life in some way, it seems like i am more ‘able’ and it has begun to make me think of it as soon as i wake up in the morning although right now i woke up really early while it was still dark an abnormal hour so its not the first thing that was on my mind, but in general for the past many months, within minutes of waking up in the morning, i usually have this thought in my mind, to pray and ask for grace and mercy, the concept is from the bible its in the book of Hebrews 4:16 “Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need.” Theres no mention of doing it in the morning when you wake up, thats something i learnt of another person who preaches a lot a bout going to heaven and what heaven is like and she said that god told her to do it each morning before she left her room, she has mentioned doing it before she even got out of bed, which is when i like to do it but sometimes that just doesnt happen as i have to goto the toilet sometimes when i first wake up and i cant wait to pray.
This may sound strange but i have found it important to wait after you have prayed it, that is, dont leave the room you pray it in straight away. I may not be experiencing whats normal but once i prayed it before i got up to goto the toilet and i was feeling the energy of grace come down into my head from heaven, (yes it is an actual spiritual experience but you may not feel it, its like this nice beautiful feeling energy flowing into the top of your head), when i got up and left the room straight after i prayed i felt the energy unnaturally cut off and it didnt feel good or right and i knew it was because i left the room before it had finished flowing into me, i dont know if god just gave it to me some other way later on or if it mattered, but it mattered to me that i felt that energy cut off before it was meant to, so thats why i mention it, you may find if you experience it flowing into you that you can leave the room you prayed in and it doesnt matter you still feel it continue, but for me im weary about it and like to wait a while in my room before i get up and leave by a while i dont mean half an hour more like a around 30 seconds or minute or two maybe more, i dont count or watch the time, i just wait and sometimes i can feel when its finished if im paying attention, other times i just go on with my day and maybe pray more about other things or just lie in bed and even though i have felt it as a beautiful energy i often feel it now as some slight feeling on my head and i know its meaning its going in but without the awareness of some amazing energy and sensory experience like at some other times i have felt it.
I elaborate on the experience the way i do so if you experience something or dont experience something you know something is happening or can happen at some point, and what it will possibly be like for you and confirm to you that god gave you a spiritual impartation of grace for the day, some people liken it to be fuel for the day.
So thats been some of my experience with praying for grace and mercy each morning, im pretty sure ive done it every morning for the past 10+ months and that in itself is grace working in my life as i dont often have rituals like that that i consistently do each morning and have found it very hard to have a habit of praying regularly at similar times, i usually just pray randomly, but by gods grace and mercy i have been able to keep asking for this and i know i experience a better life because of it, its like the past 10 months though theres been some tough times and trials, the grace ive experienced (grace being favour and ability to experience and do things better than in other times) has definitely increased in my life, i feel like i live better and am feeling and experiencing life better and though i cant pinpoint an exact moment other than my spiritual experiences in the morning that i can think of, i seem to be able to know that grace has empowered me and made me experience life better since being in a place of being prayerful for it although there is also the fact that god gives grace because he loves me and im in his grace by faith in jesus christ and therefore its his divine favour just being in my life because he is doing something for me out of love for me. I feel like im more alert, more happier, more loving, more caring, more thoughtful towards other people, more brighter, more able to cope with hard things emotionally and spiritually, better relational experiences with family and friends, and there may be more but those stand out right now, as the progressive results of more grace in my life.
I must add that there may be favour and grace for you if you dont believe in god and dont have faith in jesus christ, but to come before gods throne and ask for it like is written in Hebrews 4:16 im led to believe you must be a believer in god through faith in jesus christ.
If you would like to start a relationship with god and jesus today and be a recipient of his divine grace that empowers you to live better and experience life differently and empowers the ability to make better and right choices, you can turn to him now through accepting his son jesus christ as your lord and saviour and turning from your sins, speak to him from your heart and believe he has forgiven you when you admit you have done wrong and sinned, he will forgive you and is faithful to clean you of all that is not right before him within you. When you turn from your sin and start having faith in jesus christ as lord, you enter into his grace, and by that faith you are saved from death and given eternal life, it is a free gift, you cant earn grace and salvation, you recieve it by faith, and out of that faith, you begin to do right and good, jesus christ died on the cross almost 2000 years ago, he was crucified which is the word used for being killed on a wooden cross, and he was beaten and whipped before he was on the cross, and he died an agonising painful death, he took the punishment for your sin upon himself, and when you put your faith in him you are receiving what he accomplished for you on the cross and his divine nature in yourself and when he rose again from the dead he took the keys of death and hell from the devil and got victory over them, so he gives life to all who put their faith in him and forgives them of their sin. In jesus christ you have the victory over the world and the devil, you now have power to walk in victory all the days of your life, it will not be an easy road with no complications or trouble, but in jesus you can and will find answers and victory to these things and if not answers, the grace to move forward in them and attain eternal life regardless of what happens to you on this earth. Theres actually so much i feel like i want to write on this topic and i feel like i dont do it justice in what i wrote, if you find you have questions and i havent answered them, there is a reason for that, there is much to be learnt about god and following jesus christ, its simple in some sense but there is so many things to learn about this faith, you could sum it up in this, love and believe in god and jesus christ and accept jesus christ as lord, turn from your sins, be obedient to love your fellow man and the truth.
If you turned to god through jesus christ today after reading this blog and you want to find out more about this new way of life send me a message and god willing i will be able to respond and answer some of your questions regarding god and walking in love and faith with jesus. Jesus christ is more than just an idea or a concept, he is the way of life, he is alive and wants to know you and experience you and you experience him.
John 14:6 says and Jesus said “I am the way and the truth and the life, no one comes to the father except through me.”
Below is the kind of prayer i pray in the morning to ask for grace, you can add to it if you like, but it doesnt need to be long and wordy
“Father i come to your throne right now to ask for grace and mercy for the day, i thank you father for grace and mercy, i receive it.”