Am i being judged?

John 5:24

“Most assuredly, I say to you, he who hears My word and believes in Him who sent Me has everlasting life, and shall not come into judgment, but has passed from death into life.”

This scripture was a major change for me at one point in my journey of overcoming schizophrenia and the torment i was experiencing, after having many weeks and months of torment in my mind by intrusive thoughts and experiencing like i was in hell on earth, where my life got completely turned upside down i thought i was being judged by god, how wrong was i.

There was a night when i was having a thought that came in my mind that said, to the effect im being judged, and my instant response in my mind to that was “no im not”. Now at the time i had no evidence to suggest that was absolutely true, other than i knew i was saying it because i wanted it to be right but i didnt know why it was right, and then in that moment a scripture rose up inside me speaking from that verse above in john 5:24 and said “i am no longer under judgment but have passed from death unto life” and i immediately accepted that scripture and said in my mind either “its true” or “thats true” either way, it changed me and then i had this feeling come inside me that connected to my soul and i felt after that in my soul “i am saved”.

Before that night i had never had the feeling in quite the same way where i thought i was saved and felt it, and i now knew i was no longer under judgment, i found that this experience completely changed my thought patterns and i didnt suffer the downward spiral of feeling i was being judged after that, i knew now that was absolutely a lie from the enemy and my own mind.

To me the experience i had and maybe the one you’re having or have had, felt like i was being judged, it was so serious what i was seeing in the spirit and what i was feeling internally, it made me scared and frightened and tormented for so long weeks at a time before it calmed down even months.

I had no grid for what had happened to me, i was seeing demons in people and as one person was doing they shadowed my steps in front of me, as i moved left this person moved with me in that direction and so forth, and was in my personal space and it tormented me, it was my own grandmother which made it so much worst, i wanted to hit her and i hated what she was doing to me, she spoke to me like i was a little kid and said weird stuff and did weird stuff that she wouldnt normally do, she had no conscience and proceeded to act like in my eyes a crazy woman who was demented and wicked beyond anything i had ever experienced and yet i was the one who was deemed insane and having a mental illness, but from my experience it was the people around me who were weird and off putting, this is the nature of the illness that allows you to experience this and its why so many people with schizophrenia have such problems with people because there literally are demons making people do wierd things around them whether on the street or at home, and when the person with schizophrenia accuses someone of doing something or saying something its made to look like the schizophrenic is the one who is in the wrong or misunderstanding whats going on. I’ll tell you the schizophrenic person, is the person who is most likely observing what is going on in a better form than what people are around them at times in there view of what is happening and have a perception that is experiencing a different reality to what a person who is “normal” is at the same time when they are having an episode, to the person with schizophrenia they are now experiencing a reality they have never known, but it has become reality, because in some sense it is real, its what they are allowed to see and feel and experience, and the enemy knows they can see it the way they do, because they are encountering a realm of the spirit where the enemy has a lot of authority to mess with things in peoples vision and thoughts and feelings.

Here is the complex thing, to you on the outside you are feeling and seeming like you’re your normal self, but to the person who is observing you as they are having a spiritual attack and or they are a schizophrenic or have some other mental illness, they are observing or hearing things or sensing things you aren’t, and you are for lack of better words at times, are being used by a demon or demons to torment the schizophrenic person and you for some reason are completely unaware that you are doing anything different in fact you may and probably wont remember you were doing anything abnormal but will see it from a point of view as observing the other person as the wierd one, this is a challenging subject for some, because the idea that a person can be used by a demon but not be possessed even if they’re christian is outside of peoples beliefs and idealogy’s but i can tell you for sure, you can be a christian and a demon can enter your physical presence and use you or look like its using you to torment the person in front of you, they essentially are looking through your eyes and it can look like there is something wrong in the persons eyes at times but this may not be the case for every person suffering a mental illness or spiritual attack, the person can but may not see your eye colours change and it looks like “you’re not there” that is if you are known to someone as “John” but for the person with an illness looking at you “John” is not there right now and cant be accessed in conversation like they want, its like they cant look into your soul, because there is a demon using a part of you or is possibly coming in front of the persons eyes with there own in some way and making it seem like the person and reality they ( the other person) is seeing is no longer the true reality they have always been accustomed to when things are normal.

This is where i want to give hope, the fact you are able to see this stuff tells me you have a spiritual gift and ability to see into the spirit realm, and if you are experiencing things where the world around you has flipped upside down and you are no longer in the reality you once experienced there is hope, you dont have to stay in that place and there is a way out and i know it sounds strange to tell you this for if you are on medication you may not feel like you want to be, it can help alleviate the affects of what you’re experiencing, but it wont fix it and you probably know that if you’re reading this and are on medication, but there are things you can do to make things better, the first is a repetition from the first article in the ark, you must believe you are loved by the people around you and god, and like this article is about, realise that if you are a christian and believe in god through jesus christ, you are not being judged, and if you’re not a christian, you most likely arent being judged either, having your life flip upside down where nothing makes sense and all the things around you are no longer normal is a difficult thing to endure and can seem like it wont end and will just continue on, but it can be better, i noticed that when i started to believe i was loved, my external experience became way better and i started seeing love come from people in their energy at times and i was able to perceive better, and when i knew i wasnt being judged by god, i had no more battle with thinking god was against me and wanted this to happen to me, but it took a long time to understand what i know now.

Why it takes time to understand why you cant just get a straight answer from god about things when there is trouble i dont know, but i do know he often answers you in the moment you ask, it just goes into your soul and waits for you to know what he has said, at times he does speak verbally and in the spirit instantly about what you need to do or say to get better, other times he gives things called downloads which are spiritual impartations in your soul which are later used while thinking or writing or speaking to others and when you access them doing those things, the download gets “read” or understood in the opening up of your heart to express yourself about what is inside you that you didnt even know you had, but you kinda knew you knew something about it at the same time.

Thats why journalling is a great way to understand certain things in your heart about why you are suffering about things and why its good to have good friends who have great hearts and energies who allow you to open up and those can be hard to come by and you may not get very many times you can open up to people around you and in that is where you have to trust god.

You cant always get that counselor in your life you want and you cant always get a friend who can listen, but you can get people along the way who will or do come at opportune times to help you experience something of god to help you get through understanding something thats troubling you and get it off your chest like releasing a burden you are carrying, but there is more to this issue of changing your world around you than just talking to people. Talking can be good and helpful for the soul to feel restful or even peaceful, but if you dont talk to the right person it can seem like a pointless waste of time, it can be and is very necessary to talk about how you feel, and im not meaning asking why questions as to why its all happening, or saying all the story of all you’re going through, but being plain and forthright about what you feel in your heart, if you feel hate towards your mum, say “i feel like i hate my mum” if you feel anger towards god say “god i feel angry at you”, but its not always just a once off statement and there can be times where you say a one off statement like, “i am worried” and you can feel instantly better but sometimes you need to actually flow in a lot of emotion and offload a whole bunch of emotional issues and feelings, by just constantly stating what you feel in prayer or maybe in your journal.

Use a lot of i feel statements and if you come across feeling like saying why questions like “why is this happening? or “why did they do this?” refrain so much from saying those things as they dont produce the release you feel or think they might, by saying it, state the emotion and the language of your heart it may be a long feeling like “i feel like my mum abandoned me when i was a kid and i feel like i hate her because of it, i feel like she’s an idiot for thinking she could have me when she isnt prepared to be a mother and i feel like i cant even control how i feel like i want because i feel so ashamed of her menagerie of lies she speaks about making me feel like im the one who is wrong”

Do you see how your feelings are a lot more at times than just a simple one word emotion like “i hate her” as much as that may release you from some pent up anger and hate in that moment, expressing your deep heart felt love in speaking your mind and what you truly feel in your spirit and heart about what you feel can be quite relieving to the torment and burdens of your soul.

Often when we are experiencing torment spiritually and emotionally from outside sources, and internally we are feeling all sorts of pain and torment, there can be a place where we need to just let out what we feel and take away the pressure of our souls from using all its energy to keep you sane as possible even though you may be feeling insane and loopy because the limit of your mind to protect you from insanity has been crossed over, and in that expressing of your heart felt feelings you can actually alleviate a lot of the torment in your mind, because a lot of the intrusive nature of those thoughts is coming from the pain that has been done to you or what you have done to others or the pain of not sharing how you feel at a particular time, and you havent let out what you truly feel in or after these moments, often when there is pressure on your soul to perform and make an impression on someone and make it seem like you’re okay or maybe you want to do something amazing for them to make them love you, it can be that you are experiencing an emotion that you want to share with them about how you feel about them and once you share how you feel the pressure to perform can be quite alleviated and what you thought you ‘wanted’ to do or say isnt actually what you really wanted to do or say, one reason may be making this the case is that you have been so used to putting up a front as a way to avoid what you truly feel in your heart towards what you are experiencing.

Once you start sharing how you feel in public with people it becomes easier to share how you feel in general, and also after sharing it in private in prayer with god or just to yourself in your journal, you can find it a lot more enjoyable to communicate with people and dont feel so much pressure to say things or do things to make people happy, its like the fear barrier is greatly diminished when you share your heart and let it be heard and felt by others and god and yourself.

This is an aspect of cleansing your soul and there is greater things to be seen and heard in the spirit now than you can imagine, for when you are free to love and be loved you can start discerning the good feelings of god and heaven in an unprecedented way, there is a change that comes to your soul when you let out long held in feelings and hurts and pains that you didnt even know you had, you can actually start to enjoy life a whole lot more out side your home and interactions with people can become a lot more peaceful and life giving, there is change in heaven for your life and you are not destined to always live in sin and shame and pain, that is the enemys plan for your life you are a creature of god, made in heaven by heaven and for heaven, you are not of this world, your life is hidden in christ and god and when you commit your life to christ, the reality of your life shifts as you come to more know and AGREE with the truth, its when you have lies in your life like i did, that i wasnt loved and i was being judged that when your whole world can turn upside down and you feel like you have no hope, but that is not the case.

One of the scriptures that i held on to in my time of torment and turmoil when i thought i had no hope, was a scripture in:

Ecclesiastes 9:4 that says:

“But for him who is joined to all the living there is hope….”

I knew that scripture in my mind in the realm of “if im a live there is hope”, and that even though i wanted to know why i had hope if i was alive because i couldnt really figure that part out at the time, i knew if i was alive there is hope. and that made be just believe for the sake of believing there is hope for at some points i felt like i had lost hope, and i had to believe for the sake of i wanted to believe i was going to be alright and i would make it to heaven as opposed to giving up and running off and doing unthinkable things like i was tempted with. I had to believe there was hope, and this scripture gave hope even if i didnt know why being alive gave me hope or even felt i had it much from having that scripture.

There is a winter in the body of christ season of life and the winter is the time to store up truth when you are alone on your own and have no one around you to turn to hear from god from, you are destined to reign with god in heaven and on earth, and there is a life waiting for you on the other side of your troubles and winter is passing now, you are on your way to achieving great victory and glory for god, you dont have to do things on your own, for you must know that god is for you and not against you, you dont have to perform to please him, you are pleasing to him, you are transformed by the renewing of your mind the bible says, and a lot of that is agreeing with the truth and disagreeing with the lies, for its the truth that sets you free, you are forgiven of all your sins and the old man inside you has passed away and you have died to your sins in christ and are raised a new man or woman in god, you are no longer under debt to god and heaven for what you have done, you are a new creation born of the spirit of god and your eternal inheritance is coming in you to manifest on earth, you are a creator like your god and father jehovah and son jesus christ, you can change your situation by believing and coming into agreement with the truth, there isnt a whole lot of hard work and things you gotta do all the time to fix your problems, the problem has been fixed and jesus has come to show us who we really are, the problem with our old selves is we had lies about who we are and what we are like as people so when you have spent a lot of your life like not knowing your heart or feelings and souls experience of the world because you have been locked out of your soul and you wonder why things are the way they are you can now know you have feelings and they are allowed to be shared and they are apart of your nature as a person to share and to know and though they may not be the answer to yours and everyones problems, but they certainly are a part of our nature as people to share and to have, and when we block them or they are told to be blocked by various people or experiences being to intense for us so we create ideas in our mind that we dont have to feel them or dont want to feel them, we become at times blocked in our soul and no longer have the ability to share whats on our heart and this creates blockages in us and we become what can feel like oppressed and tormented because we have all this energy created by these blocked emotions running around in our bodies and our souls and hearts weighing us down that just want to be heard and felt and experienced and once they are we can be greatly blessed and relieved of our depression and sadness and shame and various other painful emotions.

There is a thing i must mention, for most of my life i havent experienced much awareness of emotion and life has been pretty plain and seemingly senseless i know i have had negative emotions like fear and anger and have been consciously aware of them but a lot of other feelings like bliss or delight and other descriptive words have been non existent in my conscious experience and i have not even used those words in my life as though i had experienced them except maybe delight, and hadnt experienced them in knowing i had them or at times even felt them consciously up until i started to share my feelings by faith that is just speaking what came to my mind and trust that what i was saying was how i felt, i just started by focusing on a pain i had in my head one day that felt like a negative pain and this book i was reading told me to focus on a pain in my body and talk about how i feel about it and i did and the first thing i said was i feel loved, and as i said that it turned from a negative feeling into a good feeling and turned from a dark looking energy to light, it was great to know that not all those feelings i felt on my mind and body were all because something bad was happening but because sometimes there was actually a good feeling that i wasn’t expressing or being aware of, and so i continued talking about other pains i was feeling in my body and even though i didnt consciously feel and experience those emotions and feelings like they were actually there i let them out trusting it was true even though i didnt know if i was actually feeling it, but it did seem to do a great deal of benefit and after a while of doing this, i got up from where i was sitting and my soul felt full for the first time in my life, so what im saying is, if you dont experience feelings in your conscious awareness you can trust that you do feel them, and sometimes just simply saying or writing an i feel statement can open up your heart so share how you feel, it may take practice and sometimes you may feel like its not what you want to say, but it does make a difference to just trust and let them words flow and see what happens, if you dont like what you are about to say, you can trust thats its okay its just a feeling but if it seems like its not what you want to say, its okay you dont have to say it, it may be a difficult emotion thats coming up and you dont have other words that you know you can use for it, and also the enemy may want to trick you into feeling something and saying something that isnt true, it is essential that good feelings and bad feelings get expressed appropriately and as well as you can say them in what you feel like saying or are able to say, but sometimes it may feel like you havent said what was right and thats okay dont worry about it or stress or try to make it better or work for you, just relax and go on with another feeling or continue on with what you were experiencing, its okay to mess up and say something that doesnt feel right, you are learning and you never know what you might get even if you do say something that is wrong to your mind or heart, it may be that you end up getting blessed in the end as you stepped out to release that emotion and enough of it got given time to be heard so that you feel better and more pleased in your heart that something got said and mentioned as opposed to it being locked up all the time, and the result can be great calm like you have not had before even if it seems imperfect and you want more peace inside you, calmness of mind can be a great result from sharing your heart for a while and give your mind and soul rest from the troubles its been experiencing.

 

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