Fighting in an army is like drilling a whole in a tooth, at first its tense, then breakthrough and victory comes you have access to the desired place you’re wanting to get access too.
This is me in the spiritual realm, i fight like i have nothing else to do with my life but fight, its constant, the battle is endless, day after day after day, there’s monotonous, boring sometimes and mundane useless things i gotta do and be apart of, then there’s the up’s in life like walking on the beach or a long the river, or sitting under a tree and relaxing, maybe even having a break with a friend and venting some feelings.
Whichever it is in the Up’s of life there are many to be had, but where’s the flow?
Thats the question i have, where is the flow, and where do i find it in my thinking or doing? You see as said above in the analogy at the start, “at first its tense” and thats the part that is often experienced, but breakthrough has happened many times lately, its just the long lasting intensely freeing and restful full of life and living it up with Jesus in the supernatural realm breakthrough that im after, where the fight is no longer arduous boring and monotonous and the end looks like its coming constantly but it seems to allude you and you wait again, hasn’t happened yet.
I have victory in my mind in many senses I feel and experience much blessing and breakthrough as i said, its just saddening when i cant make simple life decisions without having a fit of anxiety or depression that last a moment and taunts me in to thinking “i cant do” something.
And this is where I am at right now in one area of my life, i really want a job, i want to work and earn more money and provide better things for myself and do more with life with others, yet it seems that life is alluding me. Its a struggle to want to apply for certain jobs yet im encouraged to by this voice and yearning inside me to work, yet for a long while before this, I simply have not been mentally and emotionally and physically well enough to take on huge demanding roles, even semi demanding roles seem to much at times.
And here i am stuck in this mind maze of a job hunting spree im on, trying to make something work in my life where i just havent been able to make things work in the way i want or know that i can, there is limitations on my life in various jobs i could do because of my spiritual beliefs and i therefore would be burdening and sinning against god for going against what i know to be right to do jobs that i normally dont have a problem with. For instance i would love to work as a chef, but with my belief and lifestyle of not eating or touching unclean food (based on whats written in Leviticus 11 in the bible and 2 Corinthians 6:17) there is virtually no restaurant or cafe around my area where i can get a job that wouldn’t make me at some point have to come into contact with unclean food if i worked there, so thats blow number one.
The next one is i would glady do computer work in fixing or helping people with software issues, then as im about to really commit to it by putting ads in peoples letter boxes or put them on noticeboards i have this conflict last night as i went to sleep, i realise that if i help people with certain software issues and in training them with particular programs or websites, that at some point im going to have to install a piece of software, or sign someone up to a website, and here is my next conviction, i feel compelled to read the Terms of Service and licence agreements if i havent read them before, as far as i see it, its straight out lieing to click the checkbox saying i’ve read and accept the agreement, when i know i havent, and even if i only have to accept it and not read it, my conscience wont let me do it, because i know that i may not accept everything written in that agreement,, so for the sake of my conscience i must read what i say i accept, and then also have to accept it. there have been a number of websites i just dont use because i couldn’t be bothered reading the useless and long winded terms of service that as far as i see for the most part are completely pointless for a lot of sites that have them. So my point is i dont want to have to confront a person im working with training them in software or signing them up to a website and say “oh can you read this before i sign up, (or install) ?” and have them be like no just click the button and do it or something like that, essentially them saying no and they dont see the need to and im like well im not installing this software because im not the one using it you will be and i dont want to say its been read and accepted when we both know that hasnt happened.
Now this scenario may not at all be like the way ive said it, in real life, but the basic concept is there i hope you can see it. And i know i have not always been able to keep up this level of commitment but its something this thing with agreements that i come in to issues with regularly in my own life, its important that i agree with the truth, and even now im convinced im in trouble in my conscience because of something that happened just today with this type of issue, im not going in to it but its a big thing to me and i cant just look over it all the time, but in saying that sometimes i just dont know what to do when i make an error and theres nothing you can do at times, sometimes its to late, ‘you clicked the button’ you said yes when you meant no to a friend, you said yesterday when it was the day before, and the list goes on.
So this burden is mostly troubling me with work because there is a job that i could do straight away if i had the finances to do the training which isnt much only like $500 – $800 which is Taxi driving. And its not the finances to pay for the training that are the problem, its something deep down within me that just wont allow me to get into it, i cant explain it perfectly its like its a whole bunch of things, but something happened to destroy my confidence in that job years ago when i did it in 2006 – 2008.
When i finished it i was experiencing major panic and fear and anxiety one night when i got home form work and knew i couldnt go back to it, i even paid my boss roughly a weeks worth of earnings because i said i would work another week but knew i couldnt, i was desperate to leave it, i could not keep up the work demand of the late nights and the constant friction in my mind that something was wrong and i wasnt’ addressing it, and thats how i feel now, back then it wasnt those thoughts in my head it was major uncontrollable panic, fear and anxiety it seemed to mostly or some of it to be about my destiny and what i was meant to be doing, like i just started thinking things that i cant quite recall now it just came upon me out of nowhere and i started worrying so much about my life and if i was doing the right thing or not, i even started to get some whacky revelations out of the bible before i was even encountering things like i do now, that even though some of it was not accurate, i found that there was something in what i was saying that was spot on at the time i just didnt know how to use what i knew in the right way and years later i found that what i had stumbled upon some of it was actually true, its not to important right now i dont think what those things were about, but its essentially based around seeds, as in spiritual seeds and how to sow them and make them work anyhow im not digressing on that now unless it somehow comes out of me like a flood or necessity to talk on.
So anyhow i came to a point where i just couldnt work as a taxi driver and still to this day I DONT KNOW what changed, something changed and it made me ‘unavailable’ to be a taxi driver i just wasnt there in my mind in the same way as i used to be and it never came back to me, and now im still burdened by this idea of wanting to be a taxi driver but i cant because i actually really love that job, it was my most favourite job i had had in my life up to that point and nothing made me so happy workwise other than taxi driving did, and it just didnt work for me and i dont get it, and im sad, because i love working i love getting up and going to a job i love and i loved talking to the many people about jesus and spiritual things in the taxi and just having plain fun in the job, it was a time of my life where i was living in something i had not had before, i loved what i was doing and it felt great.i enjoyed it immensely.
Yet here i am years later not doing something i love because something inside my heart and mind is angry about someone or something i think, possibly my mum or dad i dont know, but i know there is something that is bothering me deeply seated in my gut and mind in the recesses of it that something just wasnt’ right in what i was living in while i was in Noosa (where i live) doing taxi driving.
Something bothered me and i didnt know what it was, i think i knew in my mind or in the back of it, i wasnt actually saved or i wasnt doing something properly in my mind or life in some way and i knew there was something wrong but i couldnt figure it out because i didnt think about it a lot or know where to begin with.
And now im still talking about it like its a problem because the fact is there is a problem, i should be doing more in my mind but my life doesnt permit me to do certain things, and there is this idea or a source of thinking that i need to and want to rest in god in some way like i never have before and i have never found this rest, not even in taxi driving, it was restful but it wasnt rest like i had never known it before, there is this deep seated love in my brain and heart for god, but somewhere my life isnt permitting me to experience the love and grace of god revealing himself to me in a way where i feel loved and rested by him so much im just fully warmed up to the idea of being alive and living in love with no shame or fear, its like a burden reaching into my soul and saying
“im angry at you putting me through this hard useless boring monotonous job doing what i wanted all this time, i hate you i hate you made me love and accept who i am because i made you what you are and you cant even be thankful to me and accept i love my friend Faith and Leesa and Rebecca and want them to know i love them and dont care that they hurt me or i didnt want to be friends with them but now i want to change and be friends again, im not happy i want to change my life and im going overseas to find something other than this useless hopefull for an outcome that doesnt happen job to get me to a place where i can love someone and be thankful and rest, i hate you michael let me out and live in this world like i care about things and you and allow me to love and rest in my life with someone i deeply care for and acknowledge as love for me.”
Wow its like my soul was just saying how it felt to be me just then its like i was talking to my soul and my self at the same time, i had this burden for my mind to be rested for a long time and it feels like i actually got to relieve it a bit or entirely im not sure right now just by saying that to me and all of you anyhow thank you all for sharing this journey of my life with you getting to the nuts and bolts of whats getting me in trouble inside myself and unloading some much needed baggage to be letting go of. thank you all for listening. Praise God and may you be richly blessed and secure in who you are and what you’re called to in jesus name, amen.