When things dont work out how do you feel? i feel neglected at times, its like i have a burden weighing me down that just plain sucks and i dont have someone to take it off me.
I feel as though there is something that weighs on me constantly for years now and thats the burden of my family, see when i was young i was given away in custody because of a court ruling that said i had to be given to my mums ex husband who wasnt my birth father and he wasnt even with my mum at the time.
And this made me angry and burdened beyond despair, i was gruesomly ugly in how i felt in my heart and soul towards my nan and pa and uncles that day for how they let me go with that man i didnt want to go with, and it caused me so i found years later to contract schizophrenia.
Schizophrenia has been literally a spiritual shackle on one of my wrist and on the the other wrist another shackle that im not sure what it was from, but it was evil and both these shackles had demons attached to them.
I only in recent years came to be aware that this was the case because of my Seer gift being activated more and me having the ability to see and discern the spiritual realm more openly, now this sounds strange the demons are gone but the shackles i feel they’re there still and i dont like it, i hate it, but i dont see them or feel them constantly so its kind of like out of sight out of mind, but i know they’re there and thats a problem. Although the reality is actually in christ they are not there they are healed and gone in jesus name.
I’ve tried praying for them to go and expressing my feelings and still it seems as though they are causing me angst and heartache in some way although i feel quite a lot better now over the months of sharing my feelings more than i ever have in my life like i have recently discovered how to do.
The thing that bothers me is i know the answer to my problems in some way in my mind, and it seems like i should just be okay and im alright in a lot of senses but there is a problem in the fact that im still suffering major dissociation and fractured mindedness. and this bothers me, but im not afraid as much as i used to be, i think now ive come to terms with certain things and understood a lot more but the reality remains im still needing healing in my mind and heart and soul, no matter how much love i live to give or receive.
Its better when i love and have faith in what i do being the right thing to do and go about doing things the way i like in love and comfort not trying too hard to make myself do things that are to forceful on my soul and heart and mind, and there have been times where i just push through and make myself do something by choice and love and other times i just pray and hope and trust god will empower me to do what i have to do.
As an Example:
Yesterday i went for a job interview for a call centre job selling holiday packages over the phone, it was a job i had never done before and would generally shy away from and not want to even attempt to apply for, but this time, i had a life giving desire inspire me to go for it and apply and i did and i got an interview within a few days, so i went to it and on the way i felt that you know i dont really want to do this job now after i had been praying through some things that were bothering me on the bus that really didnt have anything to do with the job they just happened to allow me to feel different after i prayed through them, then it changed and i was in a mode of just go with it, as in just go with trying to get the job and see what happens.
And i did, now i wont build up a climax much more but i didnt get the job in the end, what did happen was i got to the interview and it was a group interview there were 3 of us.
The boss lady came into the room and started talking to us about things then looked to the guy on the opposite side of the table to me and says “tell me a story” and he was put on the spot to just start going on about whatever he wanted. He did well and i dont really remember much of what he said, i was so focused on the fact that I was doing to have do the same thing and i started thinking about what i was going to say and it seemed like it was going to be a problem for me, then i had this thought, essentially “the holy spirit will give me the words to say and not to plan them”
So thats what i did i had a possible starting thought that i wasnt sure i was even going to use and when my time came i started speaking and things came out that made sense and were entertaining and fun to talk about.
The other guys were being funny in the things they were saying and i didnt think i could copy that, but as i started talking it all ended up going in the same kind of flow for a lot of what i had to say.
I had such a nervousness that i was gripping the desk in front of me with both hands and didnt want to let go and i realised it at some point and thought maybe i should let go and i did then felt nervy and put my hands back there, that is not normal for me i dont often grip a table with both hands like that out of the intensity of the nerves im experiencing, thankfully they werent consciously as full on as what they were underneath it all.
So where im going with this? well im about to find out as i free write this, even though i have progressed a lot in my healing and being delivered of a lot of issues in my thinking there are still things that are not where i desire them to be and it makes things challenging in my mind because its like being stuck in two worlds at once and its been like that for many years seemingly the entire time ive been a christian.
Its actually a step in to a previously challenging area of my life to go for a interview like this and do what i had to do, 6 months ago i wouldn’t have been confident to do it, 2 years ago, not at all would i have made an effort to go for a job like this. This is the grace of god working in my life, i couldnt do this without his grace, you might think why didnt i get the job then by his grace? i dont know, thats a good question, but i know it was an amazing breakthrough to be able to go through in such confidence and ability in something that in not to long ago i wouldnt have been able to make that journey to even find i didnt get the job, i just would’ve bowed out of the race before it even started or worst not even considered the race at all, if you catch my drift.
This has been a great journey of exploration in my soul this blog writing experience as a whole, i have found things out about life that i didnt even know i knew in my conscious mind and they were sitting there waiting to be revealed to someone to alleviate them in some way and hopefully help them find god and love and truth amidst the turmoil of life or mental illnesses i know i have much to understand in experience and often it feels like im just about there to the end point of being healed and completely well, but its like the “carrot dangling on a stick in front of your face” kind of problem the thing that helps me feel better at times is that i say to myself things like “i am healed, i am whole, i am at peace, and just lovingly say the things the gospel says about me, that what jesus did on the cross was enough to forgive me and heal me and bring me peace, my burdens are taken away, my mind is at rest, my heart is at rest, i am blessed with every spiritual blessing in heaven, i am loved, i am accepted, i am at one with who i am, i am one with god and jesus and holy spirit, i have life and life abundantly, i am forgiven, i am accepted, and the list goes on.
I did this one day in my mind for a while lieing down on my bed and there was a real healing that happened, i felt like the pain of having schizophrenia got healed, it was this black energy on my head and it disappeared and felt completely healed, but still not all things were gone, it was just the pain of the illness, and that showed me, the gospel is where its at, there are many ins and outs of preaching different messages, but the cross of jesus christ where he died for my sins and yours and shed his blood, and rose again from the dead 3 days later is the answer to our questions, the long held problems of our souls and minds and bodies, there is an answer in the cross and jesus death and resurrection and i want to find it, i want to understand and believe this gospel in its simplicity and receive the reality of who i am in christ as a child and not make it something its not, its not a good works syndrome of a god we have where we have to perform all this religion to try and make him happy, its about believing and experiencing jesus christ death on the cross and his resurrection, i know there are many more things in the bible, but that jesus rose from the dead and was buried and died on the cross is the gospel we believe (not in that order).
Its hard for me to say it but i love the way i feel about this gospel, i know there is so much more to be experienced in life and i just want to live and breathe this resurrection life and love the word of god my whole life and live in peace and harmony with all my brothers and sisters in the body of christ and have peace in my heart all my days, i think its hard for me to say because i have not always known how i felt about the gospel i have not known that its important that i know and understand this essential truth and believe it most importantly, for believing is where its at thats where you are saved, by your faith and acceptance of the truth.
For me its been a changing of mind process to see things in a different light than before, before it was about works and attitudes and beliefs about various things, but i didnt know the importance of just accepting the gospel for what it is, and now i think even though i tell you all this stuff about the gospel i wonder at times how will it all turn out this healing of mine that i want to experience and bring to others?
I feel like the war is over for me, i have won the battle, its just resting in knowing i know the truth of that victory that i am loved accepted and forgiven.
I feel to say right now, you are loved, you are cared for you are accepted the payment has been made to redeem your soul from destruction, you are owned by jesus christ if you accept him as your lord and saviour and believe in your heart god raised him from the dead, be at peace and know you are the love someone is waiting to see, your hand, your work ,your voice, your countenance and all you are will and can change someones life if you are in love with the truth of god and jesus christ, you are one in christ.
Bless you and may you enjoy your life to the fullness of who you are made to be and who christ is in you, amen.